It's been a while since I posted anything on here. Looking over some of my old blogs, that I've deleted, it made me realize how much a person can change in the course of 4 years. How much one can mature, and how their views, even of themselves, can change.
I can't say I've been into blogging during my life. I usually write in a journal, but even that has lost its life with me. But everyday I find myself needing an outlet, but never knowing where to turn. I try talking to my friends, and they're great. But most of the time when I talk to people, they never really get my train of thought. Perhaps, I don't get my own train of thought either, but it's always easier to blame somebody else, isn't it?
Well, at this stage in my life, I really don't know where to begin. I'm 28, about a year away from graduating college with two bachelors degrees, one in physics and one in math. I'm dying for something to change in my life, but I'm not sure what I want. I could name off an endless things like, a dog, a new apartment/house, a car, new clothes, a real job, a boyfriend, etc. But to be honest, I have no idea what I want and if I did, how in the hell I would get it.
Everyday when I venture out into the world, I watch other people as they go about their lives. It's beautiful and sad at the same time. I feel like so many of us are just robots, living out our daily routines, just trying to survive in this disgusting world, while trying to maintain a smile and act like everything is all grand and wonderful. But what I truly wonder is if they're happy, if they feel alive when they wake up everyday, or is it just a robotic routine destined to stay the same until they're old and gray.
That's probably my biggest fear. I tell people all of the time that I don't want to have kids, and most people look at me like I'm crazy. After all, isn't it the "American dream" to get married, settle down, have kids, and drive a mini-van in suburbia? I swear to God if I had the life I would kill myself. Nothing sounds more dull, and more painful than to have that life. Now don't get me wrong, there isn't absolutely nothing wrong with that life, but what most people don't understand is that life just isn't for me. I want to travel, I want to take off for 2 weeks to some part of the world, and camp out while taking pictures of the stars. Being too rooted down is a terrifying thought for me, maybe because it's too permanent. There's a certain excitement and horror in knowing that your life can change at the drop of a hat. But an even bigger horror in knowing that it could never change, that what you have right now is all it will ever be.
I feel like all of these dreams and hopes of this exciting new life I'm supposedly building for myself are bottling up and I'm going to explode if I don't start pursuing them soon. Everybody says that when I graduate from school, I won't have an issue finding a job. After all, a woman with two degrees in the STEM fields seems like a pretty favorable candidate for a position somewhere, right? I just hope I will be happy. I talk to a lot of my classmates at school about what they want to pursue with school and they all seem so sure, so excited, so ready to start. While I'm sitting there wondering if I ever want to go to grad school, they're all planning out the next year of their life for studying for the physics GRE, applying to grad schools, or pursuing internships. How can anybody be so sure about something like that? The reason I've been in school so long is because, for the first 2 years, I couldn't pick a major, then when I did, I still didn't know what to do with it. Then I added on physics as a second major so I could have the option of taking the physics GRE and now I'm not sure I even want to do that.
Perhaps all of this fear and hesitation stems from the poor choices of my past. Everybody has a story, a history, a past, so I won't bore you with the details of the dark days. Suffice it to say that I made it out and I look at life as if I've been given a second chance. And I'm so scared about screwing things up again that I sometimes stall until I feel comfortable to start moving in a direction again. Perhaps I have become too complacent with my own routine that I'm afraid of that change I was just talking about a paragraph or two ago. Sometimes I wish I could just crawl into an I Love Lucy episode. Isn't it strange how obsessed we can get about a TV show that doesn't really grasp reality, and yet some people still hope to have a life like a TV show? Random thought I know, I just always found that interesting.
Well now that I'm starting to border on thoughtless rambling, that will be all for now.
